The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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