I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
