This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
