sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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