How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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