ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
