Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
