Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
