my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
