wrigley field is MILF paradise
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
