1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
