If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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