Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
