U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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