Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
