I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Randomize
