That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
