so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
