Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
