I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
