sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
