First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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