i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
