Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
