my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
