she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
