I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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