So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
