i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize