Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
one might say we're banned from that church
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
