Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Mom said you looked used
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
