I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
