Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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