My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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