Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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