I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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