Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
