Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
