my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just had sex bonerless
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
