Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
