highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
