I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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