I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
