This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
