dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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