my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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