My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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