Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
