The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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