Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Randomize
