i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
