just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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