You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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