Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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