I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We were destined to go to rehab together
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
