Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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