Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
