I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
