pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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