His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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