I will die if light touches me.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
